A Conversation With Myself (about my psych teacher)

Doug: I am so sad.

Dusty: It's because you're an idiot.

Doug: I can't help it! I just like to imagine all of the possibilities in life. Is that so bad?

Dusty: Yes, when you go from having a not-actual crush on your teacher but you like to joke about it... to actually having a crush on your teacher.

Doug: Do you think those things can be helped? Because I think that being attracted to a perfectly attractable man is something that comes natural.

Dusty: You know attractable isn't a word, right?

Doug: Actually it is, I just googled it. I quote: capable of being magnetized or attracted by a magnet. End quote.

Dusty: So, your teacher is a magnet?

Doug: He does have a certain magnetism about him, yes.

Dusty: You just doubled checked google to see if magnetism was a real word, didn't you?

Doug: Bite me.

Dusty: Seriously, though, explain to me how this happened. Because, I thought you were a 26-year-old mature woman.

Doug: Why should I tell you anything?

Dusty: Well, I could sure as heck tell the audience, but I don't think you'd like my tone.

Doug: Fine. But it's going to sound cheesy, and if Leslee reads this, she'll probably roll her eyes.

Dusty: So, you afraid of short, little Leslee?

Doug: At times, yes.

Dusty: Touche.

Doug: She's surprisingly scrappy.

Dusty: OK, continue, please. I'm sleepy.

Doug: Fine. As you mentioned, at first it was just a joke, right? But then I started thinking, "He's a person outside of being my teacher....I bet he's cool."

Dusty: Note to self, always objectify your teachers.

Doug: I'll keep that in mind. I do have a habit of picking the teachers with the little red chili pepper next to their name on rate my professor. Anyway, so remember how he's MY AGE? And NOT MARRIED? And has a super super super great smile?

Dusty: *ahem* remember Leslee might be reading.

Doug: My bad, sorry Les.

Dusty: But do you think it was worth crushing for real on him when now that your class is over, you'll probably never see him again? I mean, you are genuinely sad!

Doug: I know, don't tell anyone.

Dusty: Ha! I'm the cynical one. I rule this body, girl. Ain't nobody gonna know.

Doug: Do I think it was worth it? That's a good question. I guess it depends on what you compare it to.

Dusty: Explain.

Doug: Well, if you compare my crush on him to drugs, then it's totally not worth it. It's only gonna make me more sad in the end, even if for a moment it felt really really good.

Dusty: That makes sense. What's the contradicting side?

Doug: Well, what's that saying? It's better to have loved and lost than never to love at all?

Dusty: Can't lose what you never had.

Doug: This in indeed true, but the crush itself is what I'll be losing, and I did indeed have that.

Dusty: Impressive. Could you expound on that please? I think you're on to something.

Doug: Well, it's the crush that I'm going to miss, that I'm going to mourn. The giddiness that came with the prospect.

Dusty: But do you really think he was ever a "prospect?"

Doug: No, but when the crushed on person is in front of you every Tuesday/Thursday, you have the option of dreaming. Now that I don't have class any more, my chance (though make-believe to begin with) is totally gone.

Dusty: Isn't that kind of a relief for you? I mean, your little paradigm is having a party right now.

Doug: ????

Dusty: Well, you and the little world you've built for yourself are only comfortable when you're safe. By the definition you have created, "being safe" means not having actual relationships with people. You dream of them, get all googly eyed, and then when they become an actual option, you freak out like a cow with mad cow disease.

Doug: What if it was different this time?

Dusty: What if it wasn't?

Doug: Am I hopeless?

Dusty: Probably.

Doug: Thanks for that.

Dusty: Don't make me continue to go all New Haven on you. Leslee is reading.

Doug: Well, I think we could both use some sleep. Can I be sad tonight, though? Just a bit?

Dusty: When have I ever been able to stop you?

Doug: Indeed. See you tomorrow?

Dusty: Peace out.

Doug: Peace.